That One Time I Went on My Very First Date

As a little girl I always thought my first date would be this magical experience.  I pictured myself as this young innocent girl wearing a pretty new sun dress excited to meet Prince Charming.  Just like in every 90’s teen movie, the guy would pick me up and we would have a wonderful time at a casual local spot. He would have on a pair of jeans, a nice shirt and look simply dream.  I would order something cheap so I wouldn’t seem too high maintenance, and then offer to pay, but he would be too much of a gentleman to let me. Our conversation would have a beautiful flow of sarcasm and charm mixed with a little goofy humor. In my mind the date would be a moment to remember.

But reality had other plans…

You see, as much I wanted to live out my fantasy there were a few key factors that prohibited that from coming into fruition. First, I couldn’t let him pick me up. What if he was a serial killer? I’m not photogenic enough to have my mug plastered on the side of a milk carton. So instead I met him at Starbucks. It was too windy to wear that pretty new dress, so instead I wore jeans, a tunic, and a cardigan. I pulled into the crowded strip center parking lot 10 mins early and parked my car. I got out and saw him already sitting there looking at his phone. He was early, #BonusPoints!  As he stood up the wrinkles began to fall on the Brooks Brothers’ polo shirt and khaki shorts he was wearing. He adjusted the satchel on his shoulder (I guess he planned to do homework on the date?), shook my hand and said hello. It was a highly uneventful greeting. He went inside the store, I followed.

Yep you read that right, homeboy didn’t even open the door for me #BonusPointsRevoked.

After he ordered his Americana with a splash of cream I assumed it was my turn to order. Nope, he pulled out his wallet and paid before I had time to utter a word. Then he stepped aside. So I ordered my Iced Green Tea and paid with the gift card my mom gave me for Christmas. After I picked up my drink, I turned around to ask him where he wanted to sit, but he was already sitting outside. At this point I seriously considered leaving cause he was already displaying some very jerk like behavior, but this was my first time on a date and I said I would see it through.

So I went outside and sat adjacent to him at the table. The spot he had chosen had an interesting aroma of roasted coffee beans, his cologne, and the dumpster a mere 15 feet away. I looked across the table and saw him squinting at me. I’m not sure if he was confused by my appearance, if the sun was in his eyes or if the poor guy left his glasses at home, but the squinting never ceased.

I was sure the date wouldn’t last long considering how quiet he had been, but boy was I wrong. This guy was a talker. He talked for a long time about his 45 year old roommate who hates him for not cleaning and his love of fencing. I tried hard to be engaging, but my knowledge of fencing begins and ends with that scene in Parent Trap where Hallie and Annie meet for the first time. For the remainder of the date we talked about his career as a librarian and briefly about my taste in music.

When we ended the date he gave me this completely unnecessary awkward side hug. As we walked to our individual cars he said, “We should do this again”. The cynic in me whispered “yeah right” but my mouth simply said, “Yeah”.

I never expected to hear from him again and guess what…. I didn’t.

Now all I need is an American Apparel t-shirt that says “I went on a horrible first date and all I got was this t-shirt… but at least it’s soft”

t-shirt