The Weight of It All

Confession time!

I’m fat.

I know surprise of the decade.

I’ve struggled and gone back and forth on whether to ever write about it. As open and transparent as I try to be about my life in reality I’m really closed off. I rarely talk about my true feelings or my life long battle with weight with other people because most don’t truly listen.  Also despite their word of encouragement my twisted mind hears judgement instead.  The independent Sagittarius in me wants to do it on my own and surprise people later. The issue is I’m really bad about self-motivation but worse about allowing other to motivate me. I’ve thought about doing the whole weight loss blog before but honestly the fear of when I fail being know by the masses has deterred me.  How ever,  as I am in my last year of my 20s I feel like there is no better time then now to give it a try.  So let’s get to the nitty gritty. How did I even get here?

Truth is I’ve always been here. Being the fat girl has always been about of my identity. But on top of that I have poor eating habits. I cant tell you a day I have ever eaten three balanced meals. I am big girl that doesn’t really eat, believe it or not. Ever since high school I usually only eat once a day, maybe twice. Both meals are never balanced. I am not a breakfast eater, at all ,never have been. Its not that I don’t like typical breakfast foods, its just I’ve never forced myself to eat in the morning. In high school I hardly ate lunch (I was usually finishing homework, talking to friends, etc). If I did eat, it was usually something like maybe a quick bag of chips, an apple, or tuna & crackers from the school store. Since I was really involved in high school, despite my shyness, I didn’t get home till around 8pm. By that time I was starving, so even if I ate something healthy, I am sure I ate way too much of it. This was a cycle that has never been broken. It stuck with me all the way across country to college. Having classes during the lunch hours, busy with group projects, movie & wine nights, vodka shots, staying up till 4am, and tons of other serious bad habits that kept me from breaking this crazy cycle.

My problem isn’t that I don’t know how to eat healthy, I do. It isn’t that I don’t like healthy foods, I do like them. My problem is eat properly in a convenient way. Foods that are often convenient usually aren’t the healthiest choices. Also I lacked motivation to do anything about my problem. I was just coping through life and became complacent with who I was. Not that that’s a good excuse but its the truth.

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